View topic - Jokes for Canadians

It is currently February 25th, 2020, 7:25 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours





Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 1272 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 85  Next
Author Message
 Post subject:
PostPosted: January 26th, 2004, 9:01 pm 
Offline

Joined: June 23rd, 2001, 7:00 pm
Posts: 3198
Location: Newmarket, Ontario Canada
I am shocked! Neither is Laura Secords - although these fine chocolates are going to be made by the also now American owned Gagnons down east, rather than in the States!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: January 27th, 2004, 10:49 am 
Sorry, I felt compelled to reply....

SO, WHAT DO CANADIANS HAVE TO BE PROUD OF?

1. Smarties.

2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp.

3. The size of our footballs fields and one less down ...CANADIANS PLAY FOOTBALL?

4. Baseball is Canadian ...AMERICAN ADOPTED AND OWNED.

5. Lacrosse is Canadian.

6. Hockey is Canadian ...NHL HEAD OFFICES MOVED TO NEW YORK FROM MONTREAL SEVERAL YEARS AGO; 80% OF THE TEAMS ARE AMERICAN; THE PLAYERS ARE PAID IN US DOLLARS; SEVERAL “CANADIAN” PLAYERS THAT GREW UP IN CANADA HAVE GONE ON TO REPRESENT USA IN THE OLYMPICS; MOST CANADIAN TEAMS ARE BARELY ABOVE WATER IN THE USA’S NHL.

7. Basketball is Canadian ...AMERICAN ADOPTED AND OWNED.

8. Apple pie is Canadian.

9. Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers' ass.

10. Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin' Donuts' ass ...TIM HORTON’S DONUTS IS AMERICAN OWNED.

11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back...past their 'White House'. Then we burned it...and most of Washington, under the command of William Lyon MaKenzie King who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied. ...MUCH TIME HAS PASSED BETWEEN 1812 AND TODAY.

12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany. ...IF THE QUEBECOIS ACTUALLY ENLISTED THEY MAY VERY WELL HAVE SURRENDERED ALONGSIDE FRANCE.

13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone. anywhere. EVER.

14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and it lasted a little over an hour. NO, IT WAS FOUGHT IN THE COURTS A COUPLE YEARS AGO; FOLLOWED BY A REFERENDUM.

15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but showed up just in time to get caught.

16. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.

17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company. ...HBC OWNED NATIVE LANDS???

18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes. PROBABLY A PACK OF HUNGRY QUEEN’S PARK SQUIRRELS CAN DEVOUR A HOMELESS SCHIZOPHRENIC PERSON IN LESS TIME...HOW IS THIS SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF???

19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo. ...I’LL BET MOST PEOPLE BORN AND RAISED IN TORONTO HAVE NO IDEA WHAT A BUFFALO LOOKS LIKE (Note: I wrote “most people” NOT "all people").

20. We don't marry our kin-folk. ...HAVE YOU SPENT ANYTIME IN SMALL, ISOLATED NORTHERN ONTARIO AND EAST COAST COMMUNITIES?

21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year. ...WE DID NOT “INVENT” INSULIN AND WE DID NOT FIRST ISOLATE IT...ALTHOUGH WE (BANTING AND BEST) DID DISCOVER THE IMPORTANCE OF PANCREATIC EXTRACTS WITH RESPECT TO DIABETES.

22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it. ...I DON’T KNOW MANY FOOLS THAT WOULD LICK A COLD METAL OBJECT AND CONSIDER IT A SOURCE OF PRIDE.

23. A Canadian invented Superman.

24. We have coloured money.

25. Our beer advertisments kick ass. ...POPULAR CANADIAN BEERS SUCK!! CANADIAN MICROBREWERIES ROCK!

24. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on. OOOoohhhhh Canada!!

25. And we don't bomb our allies. ...I’LL ASSUME YOU HAVE NOT READ MUCH RELATED TO THE FIRST AND SECOND WORLD WARS. MANY TIMES IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO INADVERTENTLY/ACCIDENTALLY SHOOT OR BOMB YOUR OWN TROOPS.

oh yeah... and our elections only take one day.

I AM CANADIAN!!


Top
  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: January 27th, 2004, 11:02 am 
...and for anyone who hasn't heard it: the actor who played Joe Canadian in the beer commercials has packed up long ago and went to the US for better job opportunities. Scary, isn't it!


Top
  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: January 28th, 2004, 1:29 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: March 5th, 2002, 7:00 pm
Posts: 1067
Subject: Mad Cow Disease

Subject: Blame Canada


A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer living just
outside of Cornerbrook, Newfoundland, to find the main cause of the Mad
Cow Disease.

"Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible
source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said, "Do you know that a bull
mounts a cow only once a year?"

The lady reporter, obviously embarrassed, replied, "Well, sir, that's
a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this
phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

"And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

"Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to
the point?"

"I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with
your tits twice a day but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you
get mad?"


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: January 29th, 2004, 2:25 pm 
Homer : "<mmmmmm> buffalo, sweet, sweet buffalo........."

The Cap'n : "Narr, narr, 'tis chowder from the creatures of the deep we be serving here."

Homer : "D'oh!"

I probably just imagined that episode.


Top
  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: January 29th, 2004, 2:31 pm 
A liberal, a conservative and an ndp'er were all out for a stroll to chat and debate some differences. On their walk they spotted a homeless person in an obvious state of distress lying in the ditch. The conservative steps over to him and says "My good man, you should have taken more responsibility for your life and made wiser choices." and walks back to join his little group. The ndp guy steps over the homeless man and says "Who is responsible for doing this to you? I must find this person and comfort them!" Finally the liberal takes his turn to chat with the homeless guy and leans into his ear and whispers "What did the other two say?". :o


Top
  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: January 29th, 2004, 3:20 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: December 15th, 2001, 7:00 pm
Posts: 2586
Location: Shelburne, Ontario Canada
Floyd Lauhgren (sp) you have to gaelic to spell, his name,former finanace minister of the NDP was asked what it took to be a good politician, he said " Grey hair and hemeroids" the questioner looked really puzzled. He said," grey hair so you look distinguished, hemeroids so you look concerned."


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: January 29th, 2004, 7:10 pm 
An American is having his (coffee, croissants, bread, butter
and jam) when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to
him.

The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts
a conversation.

Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread?"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In Canada,
we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to
America." The Canadian has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then
we put all the peels, seeds,and left overs in containers,
recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to
America."

The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"

Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big
smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?"

Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them
to Canada."


Top
  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: January 29th, 2004, 10:35 pm 
Offline

Joined: March 3rd, 2002, 7:00 pm
Posts: 809
Location: Toronto, Ontario Canada
Canadian Temperature Chart
1.  50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
   Californians shiver uncontrollably,
   Canadians plant gardens.
2.  35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
   Italian cars won't start,
   Canadians drive with the windows down.
3.  32° Fahrenheit (0° C)
   American water freezes,
   Canadian water gets thicker.
4.  0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
   New York City landlords finally turn on the heat,
   Canadians have the last barbecue of the season.
5.  -60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
   Mt. St. Helens freezes,
   Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
6.  -100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)
   Santa Claus abandons the North Pole,
   Ottawa canal opens for skating.
7.  -173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
   Ethyl alcohol freezes,
   Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
8.  -460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)
   Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops,
   Canadians start saying "Cold, eh?"
9.  -500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
   Hell freezes over.
   Leafs win Stanley Cup.

_________________
Hell is other goats.

Jean-Paul Satyr


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: January 30th, 2004, 4:07 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: June 1st, 2002, 7:00 pm
Posts: 152
Location: Swartz Creek, Michigan, USA
Moose Hunters

Two Moose Hunters flew into the bush on their annual hunt and like most years were both sucessful.

When the pilot came back in to pick them up and saw that they had two moose, he informed them that there was no way he could take both hunters, their gear, and their moose out in one trip so he would have to make two.

One of the hunters spoke up and said that the pilot last year didn't tell them that HE had to make two trips and they both bagged moose just like this year.

The pilot said, I bet he had a bigger plane than I do, to which one of the hunters replied, Nope, a Beaver just like yours.

The pilot, after thinking it over a bit, reluctantly decided to give it a shot for fear that the two hunters would think he wasn't as good a pilot as they had the year before so he loaded up the plane.

During take-off the plane just barely cleared the trees at the end of the lake and the pilot struggled to keep the plane up for about 10 minutes before crashing into the bush.

After he got his two passengers out of the aircraft and made sure that they were alright he told them, I have some bad news. I was so busy trying to keep from going down that I wasn't paying attention to our direction of travel so I'm afraid we're lost.

Immediately one of the hunters spoke up and said not to worry that he knew exactly where they were, adding, as he pointed across the small valley in front of them to the other side, see that ridge over there?
The pilot answered, yeah, what about that ridge?

To which the hunter replied, we crashed on the other side of that same ridge just last year.

Jack


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: January 30th, 2004, 9:23 am 
Offline

Joined: March 19th, 2002, 7:00 pm
Posts: 513
Location: Mt Brydges, Ontario Canada
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I'd have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and
threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally
predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull
that I
decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She
rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad
impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great
fun
initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a
girl
with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly
on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced
me and
took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big breasts.

(Canadian of course :D )


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: January 30th, 2004, 12:44 pm 
[quote="Anonymous"]Sorry, I felt compelled to reply....

quote]

yeah, I'm sorry you did too! I was supposed to be funny, tongue-in-cheek. Lighten up, whoever you are.
wotrock


Top
  
 
 Post subject: Anal Glaucoma
PostPosted: February 12th, 2004, 9:28 am 
Offline

Joined: September 15th, 2003, 6:02 pm
Posts: 136
Location: Ottawa, ON
Andy: "I'm sorry but I can't come in today. My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma.

Boss: "Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"

Andy: "I just can't see my ass coming to work!"


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: February 12th, 2004, 9:32 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: August 11th, 2002, 7:00 pm
Posts: 5563
Location: Sunny Wasaga Beach
well, that's better than Spinchteropticcosis....having your optic nerve connected to your spinchter muscle, giving you a shitty outlook on life! :)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: February 18th, 2004, 9:33 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: August 27th, 2001, 7:00 pm
Posts: 480
Tripper has a gread idea in another thread and I hope to contribute when I feel a bit more creative than I do at the moment.

Here is the link:

http://www.myccr.com/SectionForums/viewtopic.php?p=71023#71023

It reminded me of something I read recently.

I did not want to derail his thread so I thought I'd post it here.

James
__________________

A TRUE STORY RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:

You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well,
here's a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in
by two of my English students: Lisa (last name deleted) and Dave (last
name deleted)

First, the Assignment: English 44A California State University,
Hayward Creative Writing Prof. Miller Inclass Assignment for
Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting
to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first
paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph
and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then
add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread
what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.
The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. And now,
the Assignment as submitted by Lisa & Dave:

Lisa starts:

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out
of the question.

Dave:

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of an airheaded asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to
Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar
orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he
could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a
hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent
him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

Lisa:

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel."
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one
lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Dave:

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks
who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress
had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who
were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the
passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth,
carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one
to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium
fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
topsecret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the
coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized
Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist
on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that
treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

Lisa:

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semiliterate adolescent.

Dave:

Yeah? Well, you're a selfcentered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Lisa:

Asshole.

Dave:

Bitch.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 1272 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 85  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group